anxiety, depression, parenting, Uncategorized, wellness

All the Feelings

39610582_10215319901768390_8168202209788428288_nI haven’t posted in a while. I had a draft started about turning fifty, which happened earlier this month. But since then one of my daughters has gone to the hospital, and it just doesn’t seem important or relevant anymore. The gist of it was “I don’t feel fifty” and “I’m grateful for the opportunity to be getting older”.

Instead, my days are spent glued to my phone, in case my daughter or someone from the hospital calls. Researching the internet for resources and answers of how to best support my child. Mental illness is a horrible thing. I wish it did not exist. It very much does. The adolescent programs we have been using are bursting at the seams. Anxiety. Depression. Eating disorders. Addictions. Self harm. Trauma. The list goes on.

It is hard to be a teen, period. Coupled with these illnesses it is down-right scary. I know parenting teens is difficult. Parenting a teen with a mental illness is terrifying. I so want to do the right thing. In all honesty, I want to take it away, fix it. But I can’t do that, and according to my favorite author, Glennon Doyle, trying to fix other people’s pain is like stealing their happiness; both are sacred. All I can do is hold space for my daughter and her beautiful, strong spirit.

That and try to take care of myself, so I’m not a train-wreck next to her. I have been doing an abysmal job of this, which is another reason I haven’t written. Didn’t seem appropriate to get on my “nurturing self and others” blog and talk about how I don’t have the energy/desire to even get out of bed, let alone do one of the many self-care practices I know would help.

I did meditate once yesterday. I also scheduled a therapy appointment for myself. I have amazing supportive family and friends, whom I’m eternally grateful for. So yeah. That’s where things stand. Not a glowing, rosy picture, but one filled with infinite love and a sliver of hope for brighter days ahead.

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4 thoughts on “All the Feelings

  1. Amy Cox says:

    MB, you are a loving mama. I am so sorry you all are going through this. I haven’t walked that road (at least not yet) but something I think about when it comes to illness is how “other” it is–cells are firing off independently from one’s spirit and character, and for me, that is hard to reconcile. But I know that you are already doing the thing that will matter most for your beloved–advocating for her. You can’t solve it–if you could it would be long done–but by being her fierce advocate when she needs you to be and always holding her in your heart, you are making a difference for her. Amy

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    • Sweet Amy, thank you for your kind words. After our meeting at the hospital today, I asked Mike if I am a “high-maintenance mama”. He said no, I’m “fantastically assertive”. How ‘fantastic’ that is is probably in the eye of the beholder. 😉 It will always be true of me in regard to my girls though.

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